So apparently Liv and Tristan are over. Everyone’s talking about it and Tristan is in a wooden hut, leaning out the window, looking miserable.
Liv is doing the same but is stood on a porch in a dressing gown, as if she were in a N’espresso ad.
‘Did you see what happened with Liv and Tristan?’ Fred asks everyone in the kitchen. ‘Who didn’t?’ says Miles.
Recap! Made In Chelsea: The girls get catty, Reza stirs the pot with Emily and Harvey, and Miles makes his move on an increasingly fed-up Ruby (pictured)
WE didn’t Miles! You know – us! The viewers! Why are things like that never filmed? We want to see it all! ALL OF IT! Break ups, break downs! All of it!
Paris tells Maeva that Eloise called them ‘a bunch of b*****s’ the other night and Maeva is absolutely seething.
Referring to Eloise, Maeva starts to say ‘she’s signed her death – ‘ and was clearly about to say ‘warrant’, but James interrupts her lest Eloise is later found face down in the lake and Maeva is accused of homicide.
Reza has a little hypothetical quandary for Harvey. It is thus: If Harvey had a button he could press that sent him into the future where he could meet Emily in a few years’ time instead of now, would he press it?
Pictured: Miles pictured during Monday’s episode of Made In Chelsea
This rolls off the tongue way too easily, as it’s likely Reza often lies awake in bed at night thinking of this magical button and how he’d like to press it himself.
Harvey, poor boy, is put on the spot and doesn’t really know what to say, and essentially says, ‘no, not really’. But Reza hears, ‘yes, I cannot stick Emily, I want to be single and shag around,’ so goes and relays this to Ruby.
We learn that Liv told Tristan off for being ‘over-familiar with Tiff,’ despite last week telling him off for being under-familiar with her.
Broken hearted: So apparently Liv and Tristan are over. Everyone’s talking about it and Tristan is in a wooden hut, leaning out the window, looking miserable
Miles takes it upon himself to inform Tristan that he knows the relationship ‘is not right and it’s not going to work anymore’. This is the first instance of Miles trying to obliterate a relationship in this week’s episode. More from him later…
Maeva and Paris are out for Eloise’s blood and won’t be happy til she’s strung up on a pyre in the middle of The Chapel Barn.
They confront her while Ruby watches on, stunned. To be fair on Paris, she’s really starting to earn her place on the show these days because she says things like ‘can you let me finish my sentence, sweetheart!’
The fur starts to fly. Maeva calls Eloise vulgar and trashy. Eloise hits Maeva where it really hurts: her shoulder pads!
Emotional: Liv is doing the same but is stood on a porch in a dressing gown, as if she were in a N’espresso ad
They’re less pads and more decorative faux military detailing. Vive la révolution and all that.
Miles is washing James’ dog. This is not a euphemism.
If you’ll recall, The Tricep Trio were won, by James, in a raffle last week. James has them for 24 hours. But all he does with them is ask Fred and Julius to bring him a tub full of iced beer, and then make Miles wash the dog. Given the James/Maeva/Miles hatred, surely something more inventive could have been dreamed up than this canine grooming task?
Reza brings up the button-pushing analogy again to Ruby, and tells her that when he was 26 he would have pushed it, but these days he wouldn’t.
How old is Reza? How old is Ruby for that matter? Haven’t they been going out for something like 17 years? Didn’t they get together when they were about 15? When was Reza 26? Are they both 52 and we don’t know it?
Catty: Paris tells Maeva that Eloise called them ‘a bunch of b*****s’ the other night and Maeva is absolutely seething
Regardless of this, with each moment that passes when Ruby is on screen, you can see her falling deeper and deeper into a pit of despair that she ever got together with Reza.
Cut to that night when Miles has got a trilby hat on (take it off!) and regurgitates the precise same speech he gave Tristan earlier. This time it’s to Ruby about Reza. He rolls out the same lines: ‘You know it’s not right, you deserve more that this!’
It’s like he’s got it recorded on a tape player hidden under his awful hat and has pressed play.
Miles also claims he’s living life to the fullest. This coming from a boy who, earlier, was scrubbing the underbelly of his arch nemesis’ dog.
Ollie has a birthday dinner and doesn’t invite The Tricep Trio or Eloise. Or Tristan and Liv, because they’re off flogging the dead horse that is their relationship. Or Maeva and James because they’re never welcome at dinners in case Maeve threatens someone with certain death.
No nonsense here: Reza brings up the button-pushing analogy again to Ruby, and tells her that when he was 26 he would have pushed it, but these days he wouldn’t
Robbie makes a speech. Why is Robbie allowed to make a speech please? He could step backwards into the wallpaper and no-one would realise he was missing.
‘Ollie and Gareth have been most gracious. I admire you both!’ he gushes. Does Robbie want to join the Locke-Locke marital bed?
To be fair on him, he later tells his coming out story and it’s actually very sweet and a bit reminiscent of when Ollie came out to Binky in the days or yore, so let’s all warm to Robbie a bit now shall we?
Eloise doesn’t fancy Julius after their date, and she thinks the feeling’s mutual. Poor old Julius. The feeling isn’t mutual and he’d be more than happy to roll around with you Eloise. Or anyone really. But the poor boy doesn’t have a chance when Miles is taking his shirt off at every given chance and flaunting his wares.
Older than his years: How old is Reza? How old is Ruby for that matter? Haven’t they been going out for something like 17 years? Didn’t they get together when they were about 15?
Because they were excluded from Ollie’s dinner, they’ve decided to do shots off Miles’ torso and play Never Have I Ever. One of Eloise’s is ‘never have I ever had more than one person in my bed?’ which she says with a slyness that, presumably, is intended to arouse.
She drinks, Miles drinks and Julius drinks, but they all do it with raises eyebrows and guilty smiles, like a teenager would at a party to try and impress the others with their sexual experiences. This suggests that at least two of them are lying.
Regardless, threesomes are commonplace now, aren’t they? You’re impressing no-one!
Ruby tells Emily that Reza asked Harvey if he’d rather be single and that he said yes, even though he didn’t. So Emily storms back to the dinner table and asks Harvey what he’s playing at.
Harvey explains that he didn’t quite say that and Reza looks sheepish. Harvey and Emily should really have had that chat in private, but thank goodness they didn’t because the truth behind Reza’s version of events would not have come out.
So, Harvey and Emily are fine. Their future children are on the back-burner for now. ‘Mazel Tov!’ chime Sophie and Ollie to slice the tension in half.
Ruby, however, has had it with Reza. But she is so sick of the whole situation her eyes just glaze over and she stares into the abyss that is her relationship, praying for the sweet release of death.
Enter Miles, shirt back on, who tells Ruby to ‘hurry up and dump Reza’ with all the subtlety of a maniac taking a sledgehammer to a phone box outside a hospital.
Made In Chelsea continues Monday at 9PM on E4.
Shock: Ruby tells Emily (pictured with Julius) that Reza asked Harvey if he’d rather be single and that he said yes, even though he didn’t