Soapwatch: JACI STEPHEN'S ultimate insight into this week's soaps

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    Who remembers the Donny Osmond hit Young Love? ‘They say for every boy and girl/There’s just one love in this whole world…’ If only it were true for the kids in soapland, who even before the end of their teens manage to go through more lovers than most people manage in a lifetime.

    Emmerdale is awash with confused young love at the moment. Liv blew her chances with Vinny when she attacked him (never a good sign – ever heard of roses?); Jacob returned from Portugal and, after proposing, was rebuffed by Leanna who has the hots for Billy (‘He’s 30!’ said a despairing Jacob. Ye gods! Get the guy a Zimmer frame). 

    And is love in the air between Gabby and Noah? Never mind that she’s pregnant with Jamie’s baby, or that Noah has an unhealthy obsession with Gabby’s clothes; they’re both available, which seems enough for any youngster.

    Bobby hasn’t been having much luck in EastEnders, though he is true to the song, convinced that Dana is his one love. She’s less convinced. Funny how telling someone you’ve done time for killing your sister can put a dampener on a relationship.

    EMMERDALE: DIAL M FOR MURDER 

    Meena (pictured), who has a suspected murderous past, claims her first victim in the village in this week's Emmerdale

    Meena (pictured), who has a suspected murderous past, claims her first victim in the village in this week’s Emmerdale

    Hints of Meena’s suspected murderous past surfaced a short while back, in the form of newspaper cuttings – a convenient dramatic device that told us Meena might be a closet killer (and not in the IKEA sense).

    It seemed rather obvious, to be honest… in the same way Norman Bates might not have been the hotelier he appeared. Meena is clearly a bad ’un Big Time, and this week she claims her first victim in the village (here we go again: another industrious serial killer).

    But who will it be? Leanna, who frankly wouldn’t be a huge loss after the way she’s treated Jacob? Or Victoria, who proves herself not averse to a kiss (well, more of a devouring) from David?

    It’s clear that whoever the corpse is, Meena will not let anyone stand in her way. Mind you, very few could stand between her and that lipstick; it’s a Berlin Wall of glycerine to anyone who comes near.

    There’s more passion on the cards when Pollard makes desperate attempts to appease Brenda and she finds herself powerless to resist him. She really does need to get out more.

    CORONATION STREET: WHERE THERE’S A WILL…

    Todd decides to pop the question (pictured), not long before Will turns up and Paul is determined to find out what went on in Coronation Street

    Todd decides to pop the question (pictured), not long before Will turns up and Paul is determined to find out what went on in Coronation Street 

    Two questions this week. One: how long before Billy discovers the truth about Todd, and the lengths he has gone to in order to win the Bag A Vicar contest? Despite Todd deciding to pop the question, it’s not long before Will turns up, and Paul is determined to find out what went on. 

    We’re all rooting for Paul (and not just for those dimples – OK, that’s a big part of it), but when is the Big Reveal? Surely they won’t drag this out until Christmas. Give Will a pint; everyone spills the beans after an ale.

    Question two: how do you solve a problem like MARIA (Make Alina Remotely Interesting Again)? Surely they’re running out of options. 

    They’ve had her split up Tyrone’s marriage, persuade him to spend cash that should be going on The Girls, pose sexily in skimpy clothes with him in overalls in a mock-up picture, and now she’s pregnant. 

    None of it works, and never will until they really start to draw out the more manipulative side of her nature from under that saccharine exterior. But heck, there’s a lot of sugar cane to go through the mill, and at the moment the effect is one of drip, drip, drip – and not just metaphorically.

    When Fiz insists that Tyrone break the news to The Girls about their new little brother or sister, how will they react? I’m not optimistic about Hope. Given her aggressive history, we might be looking at a remake of The Hand That Rocks The Cradle.

    EASTENDERS: MEET ROCKY’S MATE

    Harry Redknapp (pictured) makes a cameo at a Euros-themed party in the Vic in EastEnders

    Harry Redknapp (pictured) makes a cameo at a Euros-themed party in the Vic in EastEnders

    The national treasure that is Harry Redknapp makes a cameo at a Euros-themed party in the Vic on Friday. No one believes Rocky’s boast that he’s a mate, so imagine their surprise when the hero turns up. Everyone’s excited (behind the scenes, too, apparently!). Altogether now… Ahhhh.

    There’s another thrilling event – the grand opening of the launderette, complete with red ribbon-cutter Kat. 

    She’s no Jeff Bezos (although Phil would win hands down in a lookalike contest), but she and Phil are trying. Don’t forget to put that Christmas wedding in the diary; I have a nose for these things.

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