Sex is supposed to be spontaneous, right?
Nothing worse than planning sex! Whenever I suggest such a thing, the kneejerk reaction is always ‘Ewww’.
But there are plenty of things you should always plan when it comes to your sex life. Carefully.
Inviting another body into bed with the two of you, without it backfiring spectacularly, requires many (sober) conversations and get-out clauses for any number of possible scenarios.
Deciding to drunk-dial an ex who still loves you for an impromptu booty call never ends well. Neither does enthusiastically having sex alfresco – without first checking there isn’t a child’s playground just around the corner.
I’m not suggesting you stop and think before giving into all those sexy impulses (why not skinny dip when there’s no-one around?). But I am recommending you pause before doing anything that could have potentially disastrous consequences.
Don’t just think, ‘Is this legal?’, think ‘Could this destroy the trust in my relationship?’ and ‘Is anyone going to get hurt from this, either physically or emotionally?’.
Few of us get through life without chalking up a few sex regrets, but you’ll avoid a lot of heartache and complications if you steer clear of doing any of the following on the spur of the moment.
Sex expert Tracey Cox has revealed some of the nation’s most cringe-worthy stories of people who went for spontaneous sex act and have lived to regret it (stock picture)
Spontaneously deciding to have a threesome
‘It was my fault it happened. I’d been hassling my wife to have a threesome for years and she’d always said she wasn’t interested.
‘One of her friends is single and makes no bones about fancying me – it’s always been a joke that she flirts with me in front of my wife.
‘Anyway, one night we were all chatting and her friend said she was dying to have sex but had no-one to have it with.
‘My wife joked and said, “You can borrow him if you like” and her friend replied that she’d love to and maybe we should think about it. I was the one that pushed it from there.
The British sex expert, pictured, advised against spontaneously acting out a fantasy without speaking to your partner first
‘I knew her friend wouldn’t take any convincing and she didn’t. My wife wasn’t happy but she went along with it to start with, I guess because she didn’t want to look prudish.
‘I started by kissing her friend and feeling her breasts – and that’s as far as it got. My wife got up and stormed off and we had little choice but to stop and go after her.
‘My wife was livid! Both at me and her friend. She doesn’t see her anymore and says she no longer trusts me.
‘That was eight months ago and I wonder if we’re going to last.’
Ben, 42, has been married for seven years
Why you need to plan group sex:
There are many, many reasons why having an unplanned, spontaneous threesome is the worst idea you’ll ever have.
The obvious, most glaring is that couples that love each other usually have a hard time seeing their partners with someone else.
No matter how well it works in fantasy land, you can’t really prepare yourself for what it feels like to watch someone else kiss, touch or have sex with your partner.
Someone always gets blamed if the experience wasn’t great, it often leaves a nasty, residual ‘cheap’ feeling and jealousy is an enormous problem (‘You’ve never been that excited with me!’).
If you’re set on trying one, minimise the risk by setting ground rules beforehand, being very specific about who can do what to who, and have a safe word that means ‘stop’.
Stop means stop – no matter how much you’re loving the experience, your relationship is always more important than the sex.
Trying a (certain) sex act without preparing for it
‘My boyfriend had been wanting to try anal sex for ages and I’d always said no. It didn’t appeal to me at all – until one night, far too drunk, I relented and agreed to give it a shot.
‘My boyfriend came back with some lube and two minutes later he was inside me and thrusting away.
‘It was agony! I have never felt pain like it. He was loving it and took a minute or two before he’d stop, he kept saying I’d get used to it. We had a massive argument and I didn’t speak to him for days.
‘I had no idea you had to prepare for anal sex over a period of time. It was the worst sex experience I have ever had and I would never try it again.’
Lexie, 29, works in fashion
Why you need to plan it:
There is a right and wrong way to try anal sex.
Never EVER attempt penetration without first inserting fingers or anal toys – over a period of time. The rectum needs time to get used to things inside it!
The first step is to get your partner to apply lots of lube and using the pad of their finger, gently massage the entrance.
Wait until your muscles relax, then get them to insert their finger in a little. Once they’ve been doing this over a few sessions, get them to insert one finger until it feels comfortable, then two.
THINGS YOU CAN DO ON IMPULSE
Try a new sex position
Assuming you’re both fit and flexible enough to accomplish it, there’s not too much that can go wrong.
A tie-up game
You do need your partner’s permission before tying them up but, so long as you don’t leave the room and stick to using unthreatening stockings or scarves, you’re pretty safe to spring this one out of the blue.
A light, playful slap on your partner’s buttocks never got anyone in too much trouble. Start with this, before asking if they’d like to go further, and all will probably be fine.
The most popular is a vibrating egg: you insert it, then hand the controls over to your partner.
Assuming you don’t drop the remote into the parsnips, during Sunday lunch with your partners, you’re unlikely to be rumbled.
AND THINGS TO TRY CAUTIOUSLY…
Start having sex in character without warning your partner at your own peril. Roleplay is Marmite. Some people love it, others would rather lie naked in the middle of a highway than have to ‘act’. Quite a few are offended that you don’t want to be ‘just us’.
Act out a fantasy
Most fantasies are best kept as that – because when we’re directing the films that play in our ‘sexual cinemas’, everything runs exactly to plan.
Take your partner through to reality and you’re suddenly dealing with situations and consequences you didn’t quite bargain for.
Sharing a fantasy
Most particularly those that involve someone you know and see regularly.
Yes, some people really do confess to their partner’s that they’ve been fueling their solo sex sessions with a hot fantasy about their best friend.
The next stage is to use a butt plug: a small toy that you put inside and leave in while you continue to have sex in your usual way. Plugs get the rectum used to relaxing around an inserted object.
Then and only then should you attempt anal intercourse.
Making a spur of the moment decision to cheat
‘I’m a journalist and was on a travel freebie with 10 other journalists from various publications around the UK. I’d just got married and was struggling with it: I felt suffocated.
‘I’d been flirting with another journo the whole time and on the last night, we stayed up drinking and ended up having sex.
‘I woke up the next day, horrified at what I’d done but then looked in the mirror and my blood went cold.
‘I had massive love bites all over my neck – bites that were impossible to hide – and my husband was picking me up from the airport in a few hours.
‘I ended up scratching the hell out of my neck with the sharp back of an earring to make it look like I’d had some kind of run in with a bush.
‘My husband took one look at my neck and one look at me and that was the end of my marriage.’
Marianne, 38, is a journalist
Why you need to stop and think:
People cheat for all sorts of reasons – and not all are to do with sex.
Some do it to ‘test’ their love, others to get revenge or punish their partner for something.
Lots more do it for attention, an ego-boost or to prove they’ve still ‘got it’.
Uncontrollable lust isn’t the only powerful emotion that might cause you to do it.
If you are tempted to play away, take yourself out of the situation for a few minutes. Head to the loo.
Once there, I want you to picture your partner’s face when they find out what you’re about to do. You might think there’s no way they could but people do discover infidelity – not just some of the time but a lot of the time. (Technology trips up plenty.)
How will you explain what you’re about to do? How likely is your partner to end the relationship because of it? Will they ever trust you again?
Now picture your best friend’s face when you confess. What would they say?
Listen, sometimes being on the brink of cheating is what it takes to make you leave a relationship you should have left a long time ago.
Just don’t kid yourself that by having sex with someone else, you aren’t putting everything on the line.
Making a move on a friend you fancy
‘I had been more than a little in love with my best male friend for about a year. People used to ask why we weren’t together all the time because we got on so well.
In my head, it was only a matter of time before something would happen and we’d be together properly.
‘One night we’d been out to dinner and were on the sofa watching a film. We’d always snuggle up and I was feeling really aroused. I suddenly thought: one of us has to make the move.
‘So I leant over to kiss him and then put my hand on his crotch and started massaging him through his jeans. It didn’t get the reaction I’d expected. He jumped up immediately and looked at me in horror.
‘Apparently, he didn’t find me sexually attractive at all and only “loved me like a sister”. I was mortified and hurt and it all became so awkward afterwards, we stopped being friends.’
Nicole, 26, works in sales
Why it pays to take baby steps:
‘How do I tell a friend I want more’ is something I’m asked all the time.
What not to do is nicely illustrated by Nicole’s cringeworthy story: making a spontaneous sex grab might work in movies but it rarely does in real life.
Instead, look for clues they might feel the same. Do they go quiet, or try to talk you out of it, if you show interest in someone else? Do you ever catch them looking at you when they think you aren’t watching?
Do they say things like ‘If you were my partner I’d…’ All of these are a green light to take things further.
One simple way to test the waters is to extend your usual kiss goodbye or change where you deposit it. If it’s on the cheek, move it closer to the edge of their lips. Kiss once, pull back and make eye contact, then quickly kiss them again.
Watch to see how they react. They might well look confused. But if they smile and look sidelong at you, curious, it’s a great sign. Not so good: an involuntary wipe of their mouth and a flash of annoyance.
Visit traceycox.com for more information about love and sex and to find Tracey’s product ranges, Supersex and Edge, and her books.