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Will Smith discussed one of the most traumatic moments of his life in the fifth episode of his YouTube docuseries Best Shape Of My Life, which was released Thursday.
The 53-year-old actor had an emotional conversation with his mother Caroline Bright, in which he admitted to her that the only time he ever considered killing himself was after seeing her be brutally beaten by his father, Willard Carroll Smith Sr.
The King Richard star said he felt like a ‘coward’ because he didn’t try to stop the violence despite being the oldest child.
He was only nine years old at the time of the beating and he was 13 when he considered taking his life.
Difficult conversation: Will Smith, 53, told his mother Caroline Bright that he contemplated ‘suicide’ for the only time as a teen after seeing her beaten by his father in the fifth episode of his docuseries Best Shape Of My Life, released Thursday
Will was filmed with his mother Caroline and his collaborators on Best Shape Of My Life, which has been documenting his goal to lose 20 pounds in 20 weeks while also finishing his memoir Will.
Previously, he read aloud from his book and called his father, nicknamed Daddio, ‘one of the greatest blessings’ of his life, but also ‘one of my greatest sources of pain.’
Willard’s ‘brutal temper’ and ‘drinking’ made him an ‘idiot’ who broke ‘his own rules’ when he was under the influence.
He said that ‘nobody suffered’ as much of Daddio’s wrath as his mother and recounted a night when all of his siblings watched her be punched repeatedly by his father.
Bloody scene: Will read from his memoir about the time his mother was punched so hard by his father Willard that she ‘spit up blood’
Helpless: ‘That was the only time in my life that I ever thought about killing myself, because it was all my failure in my mind,’ he continued
‘With me standing there in the doorway, I watched my father punch my mother so hard that she spit up blood,’ he said, before adding that that the moment had ‘defined’ his current persona more than any other event in his life.
‘That was the only time in my life that I ever considered suicide,’ Will said after bringing his mother in to sit next to him.
‘That was the only time in my life that I ever thought about killing myself, because it was all my failure in my mind,’ he continued.
Earlier, while reading to his colleagues, Will said he became a ‘pleaser’ in life in order to try to prevent his father’s violent outbursts, and he came to feel great shame and labeled himself a ‘coward’ over his inability to stop the abuse.
He called himself the ‘entertainer in the family’ who wanted to keep everything ‘light’ and ‘enjoyable’ to avoid beatings.
Hurting inside: The King Richard star said he became a ‘pleaser’ to avoid the abuse and said he thought of himself as a ‘coward’ for much of his life
Not his fault: ‘She reassured little Will that there was nothing that he could have done,’ Will added, before suggesting that his desire to take ownership of her abuse was a ‘trauma reaction’
Putting on a brave face: His mother said she stood up to Willard and wasn’t more submissive because she feared the kids would be more worried if she was visibly ‘rattled’
Paradoxically, the urge to please led to ‘artistic and financial fruits,’ even though it also meant that his ‘little nine-year-old brain processed Daddio’s episodes as somehow being my fault.’
He said he developed, ‘An unshakeable feeling that no matter what I have done, no matter how successful I become, no matter how much money I’ve made or how many number one hits I’ve had, how many box office records I’ve broken, there’s that subtle and silent feeling always pulsing in the back of my mind that I’m a coward. That I’ve failed.’
Will admitted that he had never told his mother that he thought of himself as a coward until they recently discussed his searing memoir.
‘She reassured little Will that there was nothing that he could have done,’ Will added, before suggesting that his desire to take ownership of her abuse was a ‘trauma reaction.’
As a defense against the horrors he witnessed at home, the actor said he cultivated a rich imaginary life and the ability to affect new emotions and to hide his real feelings, which served him as an actor and performer later in life.
‘I could contort my mind to find a smile,’ he said.
His mother said that she stood up to her husband and wasn’t more submissive because she feared her children would be more worried if she was visibly ‘rattled,’ even though he reacted to her defiance with more violence.
Interrupted: Earlier, Will recounted the time a fan accosted him for a video in a gym while he had a break from his jury duties at the 2017 Cannes Film Festival
Conflicted: He turned down the request for a video for the man’s brother with Down syndrome, but standing up for himself also left him shaken. ‘I went back to my room and could not stop crying,’ he admitted
Earlier in the fifth episode, Will recounted a 2017 episode from his time on the jury at the Cannes Film Festival.
He had a half hour to himself after a marathon of movies and went to the gym to work out, but he was accosted by a fan waving a camera and filming who wanted the Oscar nominee to film a clips for his brother, who had Down syndrome.
He wanted some private time to himself and refused to make the video because he had ‘promised’ himself that he ‘wouldn’t allow anyone to infringe’ on his rare relaxation time.
‘I knew I had done right by myself, but I hated that someone else, an innocent, had gotten caught in the crossfire of my internal war,’ he said.
‘I went back to my room and could not stop crying.’
Close enough: Elsewhere, Will recounted his difficulties in losing the weight, though he turned out to only be 0.4lbs heavier than his goal for the week, with five pounds left to go in his challenge
Soothing: He wrapped up episode five by getting in some exercise with a stunning diving trip to a tank outfitted to look like a city that had been swallowed up by the sea
Elsewhere, Will recounted his difficulties in losing the weight, though he turned out to only be 0.4lbs heavier than his goal for the week, with five pounds left to go in his challenge.
He wrapped up episode five by getting in some exercise with a stunning diving trip to a tank outfitted to look like a city that had been swallowed up by the sea.
The Men In Black star teased the sixth and final episode of his series with a surprise appearance by his father Willard, who sat down in a chair for an interview and said ‘OK’ to signal he was ready.
Will’s father died in 2016, so the interview would have been filmed years earlier, but it may give him a chance to open up about the abuse Will and his mother and siblings endured.
In a previous excerpt from his memoir obtained by People, Will wrote about wanting to kill his father to ‘avenge’ his mother when he was left to care for Willard after he was sickened with cancer.
‘As a child I’d always told myself that I would one day avenge my mother. That when I was big enough, when I was strong enough, when I was no longer a coward, I would slay him,’ he wrote.
‘I paused at the top of the stairs. I could shove him down, and easily get away with it,’ he continued. ‘As the decades of pain, anger, and resentment coursed then receded, I shook my head and proceeded to wheel Daddio to the bathroom.’
In his own words: He teased an interview with his abusive father Willard at the end of the episode, though the interview would be years old, as he died in 2016
Revenge: In a previous excerpt from Will obtained by People, the actor wrote about contemplating murdering his father to ‘avenge’ his mother
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