Soapwatch: CLAUDIA CONNELL'S ultimate insight into the week's soaps 

No wonder Weatherfield’s undertaker George Shuttleworth is always smiling, he must be raking it in. With so many deaths in soaps, it’s no surprise that Coronation Street and EastEnders added funeral parlour businesses to the shows. Being such a magnet for serial killers, you’d think some sharp business brain would set one up in Emmerdale too.

Just like weddings, christenings and criminal trials, funerals in Soapland come around at the speed of light. And strange affairs they are too, with the mourners mostly neighbours rather than family members.

This week we saw Sam Blakeman in Coronation Street lay his mum Natasha to rest. But why would her funeral be in Weatherfield? Her only connection there was Sam’s dad, Nick, whom she dated a decade ago. There was a vague reference to her siblings but why would they let an ex-partner and his new love (Leanne – who was indirectly responsible for Natasha’s death) make the funeral plans? At least with more pubs, cafés and bistros than you can shake a stick at there are no shortage of venues for a wake. 

EASTENDERS: GRAY’S FLIPPIN’ BIG SECRET

Newly engaged Chelsea moves in with Gray and is delighted to receive a sparkly ring. She won’t be so delighted when she finds out that her high-flying lawyer fiancé is now flipping burgers for a living (pictured)

Newly engaged Chelsea moves in with Gray and is delighted to receive a sparkly ring. She won’t be so delighted when she finds out that her high-flying lawyer fiancé is now flipping burgers for a living.

When Whitney calls Gray’s old legal company to tell him that Mia is sick, she’s shocked to learn that they no longer employ him. Whitney sets about finding the truth and wonders whether she should tell Chelsea that her fiancé is lying to her. Again.

Drunken Eve turns up at the café and Jean says that she can live with her and the Slaters. The only problem is they have nowhere to live, as Suki is determined to boot them out of their house by the end of the week.

Kat asks Phil if they can all move in with him. What will he say? ‘No,’ if he’s got any sense. It brings us once again to the issue of Albert Square and its Tardis homes. If the Slater brood move in with Phil, Callum and Ben then that will make 13 people according to my maths. It won’t do much for Phil’s anger issues.

Tiffany continues to pursue a romance with Aaron, who is so horrible he makes Keegan seem like a good bet. When Harvey takes the bins out he discovers one of Aaron’s bloodied shirts. Later the police arrive at the cab office to ask Harvey if he can account for his son’s movements on a certain night. I have a feeling that boy is going to make his dad look like a pussycat.

EMMERDALE: WOOING AT THE WOOLIE

Al presses ahead with his plans to revamp The Woolpack but Paddy (pictured right) and Marlon aren’t impressed when he hires son Ellis

Al presses ahead with his plans to revamp The Woolpack but Paddy and Marlon aren’t impressed when he hires son Ellis. You can’t blame them, Ellis hardly made a success of the last major project he was tasked with – the Home Farm survival challenge – did he?

When Al hears that Paddy is away he invites Chas to a business dinner and flirts with her, and she responds. Is she playing him or are there sparks there?

When Meena learns that David and Victoria have gone to Portugal together she sneaks into Victoria’s house and smashes it up. Still taking the split with David well, then?

CORONATION STREET:  KELLY NEEDS A HERO

Stu, the tramp who was never heard of a month ago and now seems to pop up everywhere, tells Kelly where she can get a free meal (pictured)

Feeling unsafe at her accommodation, and with her old friends turning their backs on her, Kelly ends up sleeping rough and scavenging for food. Stu, the tramp who was never heard of a month ago and now seems to pop up everywhere, tells her where she can get a free meal. 

There’s a glimmer of hope when Aadi gets Dev to agree to let her stay with them. But when Kelly overhears Asha say she’s not welcome she pretends she’s going to stay with her mother instead.

Johnny Connor is given a traditional Weatherfield send-off. Traditional in the sense that Jenny gets absolutely wasted at the wake and manages to offend everyone.

Tim visits Faye in prison, which comes as a bit of a shock because she’s been there for seven months (for attacking Adam Barlow) and her family seem to have forgotten she exists. Sally is more concerned about parking than her stepdaughter languishing in a cell.

Also off everyone’s radar is Ray, who gets a visit in prison from Debbie. She tells him she knows he paid someone to create the sinkhole at the Platt’s house and unless he pleads guilty to sexually assaulting Faye, she’ll tell the police.